I'm learning more about this issue of anti-language the more I read into the New Testament and its scholarship. All of the facets of this issue are mentioned time and again but are never spoken of explicitly in the terms "anti-language" and that's what makes it such a great study. I can see why Sheffield U. approved of this topic so eagerly.

Just dug into Matthew's gospel and the issues it brings along with the term "Rabbi." Now, one would think with the mass of scholarship out there that affirms the Jewish nature of the Gospel material through this gospel that the term "rabbi" would be viewed in a positive light, but when we look at Matthew's material, however, we find a very different notion indeed, and one, I might say, in perfect accord with the redefining nature of anti-language.

First, in all the spots where Jesus is spoken of as "teaching the people," activity specifically assigned to rabbis in the NT period with the Jewish people in the synagogues, Jesus is spoken of as associating it directly with the issue of miracles, and healings. This activity anti-linguistically redefines the essence of what it meant to be a Jewish teacher, rabbi, of his day. In the one spot where it says Jesus "could not perform might acts," (in his home town) the area is described as one which would not receive his teaching. So even the miraculous, therapeutic nature of Christ is spoken of as being limited by the receptivity of his teachings. Then comes the term "rabbi".

First, rabbi's are not painted in a positive light in the gospel. Redefining the cultural impact of the word from one of esteem, to one of disdain. The very qualities that established the term with esteem are redefined according to Christ's values: They are spoken of as outside of Jesus' movement, people who love the limelight (not a positive trait for Matthew's picture of a Christian), who are whitewashed tombs full of dead bodies inwardly. Though they look, and speak with appeal and eloquence, Jesus is recorded as deriding them for these very qualities. Jesus is quoted as not allowing the disciples to call anyone "rabbi," as they have one teacher, "the Christ". So the term is not held in a positive regard according to Matthew's gospel. The term disappears from the narrative until Jesus returns to Jerusalem, where the mainstay of his opposition awaits.

It is here that Jesus' reference as "rabbi" meets its anti-linguistic point of climactic irony, with the most references in the Gospel material to this term being here. The Jewish leaders refer to him as "rabbi", the crowds refer to him with it, and lastly, Judas himself is spoken of as identifying Jesus as "rabbi" (probably to alert the authorities which one to arrest). Jesus, however, takes for himself the term "didaskolos" another term for "teacher," but with little cultural equivalence amongst the Jewish people and traditions. Jesus is being called the very thing he has stood against all along, sought to redefine, and keep his movement from using according to Matthew's gospel.

Anti-language is a sub-culture within a culture that seeks to offer merely and solely a deliberate alternative to the main culture under which it operates. It is not a stand-alone entity. It seeks to redefine, recontextualize, and metaphorically utilize the resources currently in place according to the movement it attempts to offer. This was the modus operandi of Christianity which had begun in the first century and has continued to this very day. The way new groups legitimize themselves within Christianity, they seek to justify their movement as being the "true" Christianity by doing the very thing Jesus did--redefine, recontextualize certain key elements of the current culture that they believe need readjustment according to "the will of God." This has been the source of "revival" movements since the beginning and has kept Christianity fresh and self-examining since its inception--socio-religious anti-language.

I think I finally figured out the foundation of my struggles with people--"do not cast your pearls to swine." The fact is, I never knew what those pearls actually were that were getting me "torn into pieces" occupationally, personally, and socially and I finally found it today--the act of prioritizing the truth over all.

Yes, its true, I have always struggled with the idea that people do not want truth. Only because I have finally come to realize why--because they are trained from the very beginning to prioritize anything else to make it in this world. It's true, there are usually only two prioritized entries in any person's mind --truth, and anything else-- and I have to tell you that truth does not usually make it to the top of the list.

Why? simple--cause truth is not convenient, it calls us to submit to it; also truth is not rewarding (in earthly terms) cause it can't pay you like lies can; also its not friendly, cause most people reject it for their own opinions. So from the very beginning the world trains us to put truth on the back burner while we go through the rest of our lives, making money, paying bills, getting along with the boss, getting a raise, moving up the ladder, getting a house, putting food on the table, feeding the kids, then going to sleep and having to do it over again the next day. Truth is abrasive in relationships, truth catches those who lie and casts them down, truth can't stand ignorant opinions, truth doesn't have a stomach for people being obsessed about themselves, or trashing other people in their time of need. We just simply don't have the time for this superfluous thing called truth. We simply have no use for it in our world. Unless we want to suffer.

Clearly no one would suffer for truth. That's selfish. That's self-centered. That's egoistic. If all you care about is revealing truth to people you will need a defense from their faulty logic, you will need to do your homework on their bad evidence, you will have to call them on their selfish motives, and no one can live like that, barring a sheer act of God.

That just it--an act of God. Being born from above means you can only prioritize truth because you know that people's lives depend on it. When God is born in you, revealing the truth becomes self-centered not because you receive anything from it, but simply because its intrinsically rewarding to reveal it to people. Jesus told us the truth will set us free and then he died on a cross. Truth was not "anything else" to him, it was everything.

So, the real struggle then, the true foundation of it all, is the fact that the Spirit of God has infused my volitional faculties with the desire to prioritize the truth above all. I have not hesitated to do this and simultaneously have not stopped suffering for it. But I have seen those lives who have been changed for the better, forever. That's true treasure in heaven. That at least is encouraging.

WISDOM--THAT MASTERY FROM THE ALMIGHTY

I have always prayed for wisdom. I have always desired to be successful and generous. I have never been able to connect faith with wisdom and success in a way that felt genuine, Scriptural, and in accord with the Spirit of God however, until today.

There has been much prayer on this topic of "success" in my life and I have always known that wisdom was the intimate connection to it but I could never find that connection--I could never seem to clearly see the "why" of that connection, until I received it today. Boy was it a powerful summons, a calling to finally place into full-force the abilities and talents that I have been wired with. Powerful. And it gives me nothing but eager anticipation to make it come to pass, truly feeling, finally, that direct commissioning of God's Holy Spirit to actually be "sent" to accomplish this, for the benefit of all.

The key concept that connected "success" I have found is antithetical to the easy-gospel, prosperity preachers whose message is simply that "God desires everyone to be successful" which, as anyone with 5 seconds of Biblical education knows, is simply a euphemism for "Follow me and God will make you rich" which I have NEVER sat well with because I know it not to be a simple truth which applies to everyone. But, the glorious riches of Jesus Christ have been revealed today--that connecting link between faith and wisdom and success that falls into full accord with the Biblical message from front to back, it falls in line with the Gospel message, it falls in perfect accord with the message and example of Jesus Christ as he walked this earth and commissioned his people to do "greater things than these". That piece of wisdom is this--

 ** A Mastery of the Elements of the Earth **

My heart rose up in me when I heard this phrase. My volitional faculties emblazoned with unquenchable flame when I heard this phrase. My mind instantly set to work on the countless means through which I might accomplish this. Ohh, how my blood races within me to make it so. When I think of this phrase, the prophets of old come to mind--Abraham, Joseph, Job, when my mind settles to germinate this glorious seed of the tree of life, with full understanding and feeling abounding I know I am commissioned for this duty. 

I think of the Edenic period, when God commissioned Adam to go and "subdue and fill the earth" it was therein the angels rebelled. Cause the angels had be set in charge of those very elements of which the earth God had made. In essence, God was saying, "Go and rule over the angels of whom I have set forth to be your ministers." Was this not the essence of the enemy's pride? That he simply refused to serve a younger, less powerful being of God's creation? Was this not the reason so many of those in the heavens agreed with him to abandon their heavenly court and seek to subdue mankind? 

Indeed it was. This was why Christ had to come in human form: to redeem the original blessing of authority conferred upon the sons of men to have the earth as their very own. Christ, as Son of God had the immutable power and authority over which these fallen spirits could not prove the victors. But also Christ, as Son of man, brought back the authority proper to the dignity from which man had fallen--a mastery of the elements of the earth. This is wisdom, and hence, Christ also represented the embodiment of this wisdom, for there was nothing he did that he could not master, and there was nothing that could master him, even death itself. That was the true motivation for his miracles--just another demonstration of the mastery of the elements of the earth. His wisdom spoke into them an omnipotent movement against which neither land, nor sea, nor demon had the power or ability to resist. The Words of Christ represent the current, the outflow, of the Spirit in auditory form. An ability conferred onto those who accept the wisdom to master the elements of the earth, to subdue its thrashings, to hedge-in its wanderings, to restore the boundaries of the wisdom of God upon whatever be commanded.

Thank you God of heaven and earth, you have shown me the wisdom my heart can thrive in, can excel in permanently, can simply accept in the parameters of my faith in the Son of God, God of God, Jesus Christ. I set out for such as this, equip me, train me, and make me into that Son of God, Master of the Elements of the Earth which you have created me, nay, destined me to become. Amen.

I love the material I'm studying, but sometimes I really feel like I'm some kind of scholastic hermit. I learn all this wonderful material--conversation analysis, variation analysis, Markedness theory, studies in verbal aspect of the Greek NT, Speech Act theory, and many others--and I just feel that no one in the field of Biblical studies has any amount of appreciation for this type of material toward the NT because their agenda is to engrained and embedded within traditional scholarship on the issues.

I have to let out my growing disdain for theological studies of the NT when we are using that material to explain the NT Greek. That just has really grown to chafe my hide as I come to other approaches of linguistic study and find that many views are untenable according to the language of Scripture. At the same time, I can begin to see what the Apostle Paul talks about to Timothy that if he engrosses himself in the Scriptures then he will stay firmly established in the traditions that Paul taught him and trained in him to carry on to other generations.

I look forward to the days ahead, not knowing what they have in store, but a quiet confidence remains.

I watch the stories of those who succeed, and I see truly the words of Jesus are real: the greatest needs to be servant of all, OF ALL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVLm9ZUCJns&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL84gvKWrEc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_P3Hrq7UMw

These people (mostly children) just want to offer their best. Those who are remembered the most, the most vividly, with the memories that remain the cherished above all, are those who simply offer what God has given them to serve the greatest amount or quantity of people as much as they can. Is this not the reason our children are becoming major stars on stage and screen? Is this not the words of Jesus coming to life in the lives of our children and communities? God is using the simplicity of a child's purity and uninhibited service-oriented performance for excellence to shame the self-centered, disgusting greed of their elders. Truly, this is the fulfillment of those who gave their talents to "the money changers" in order to reap the most interest of their talent back to God. I see these are intimately connected, service is the key.

Therein lies the key to life that so many have discovered, but so many more do not understand. Therein is the true open door for all to take that many will never understand. Therein is the true wisdom and protection of the Lord for everyone who offers their lives up to this cause: just simply give what you have back to humanity. Was that not the actions of Jesus himself? Was that not at the end of the day what all others have done in the past? The longstanding heretidge of the great people of the past? Nothing can bring a larger blessing than the offering of our talents, and that is the real issue--our TRUE talents. We can never hope to serve in a capacity that God has not blessed for us to do. We can never be someone or do something that is obviously not the way we are wired, the part of our very nature that has been set in place for the service that it was meant for, just as a tree is planted by God by the river to shade, and protect those near it, to feed and be fed from the river by which it was planted. So too, are we in the place where the Almighty has planted us.

In this, all He simply desires from us is to produce the fruit we were meant to create and to offer it to the world's people, so that they all might share in and enjoy, and spread the good fruit which he has designed us to make, and create, in service to all. That, coincidentally, is also the nature of sin--to disqualify us from the prize of this service, to waste our time, effort, resources, and talent on a worthless, serviceless, self-absorbed activity that has no lasting, growing, joyful fruit. Service to others with who and what we are is the true answer. Hence James challenges us with his poignant admonition: if you know the good you ought to do, and do not do it, you sin; from which the words and example of Jesus save us once again: I have not come to be served but to serve and to give my life. . . Amen Lord Jesus, come, and fill me with your Holy Spirit that I may live this unshakable wisdom you have predestined me to live, that all may share in the blessing!


Lord, I am ready now: let me serve; let me offer my life in the talents you have given for others' fruitfullness! Amen. 

My heart has simply been given over to deeper study of the Scriptures linguistically on a doctoral level. New and improved means of linguistic study are being revealed everyday. There seems no end to the level of understanding that can be gained in this regard: pragmatics, semantics, optalmics, sociolinguistics, rhetorics, the list goes on and on. I sense that God has for me now an intense time of study, prayer, and mental visualization to receive by faith the program that he has for me.

In this consideration, I have sought MacDiv, Dallas, 5 colleges in MA, Georgetown, Wisconson U., certainly Oxford, Edinborough, and many others. I feel lost in this regard. Therefore, I will move forward with my Chaplain career and wait on God's movement to direct me in the Holy Spirit.

My prayer is that I could move forward into the right program that would become the most productive for the talents that I am wired with that could put them to use and produce the best material in scholarship that I can offer and shake up the world with new insights the change the course of studying the Scriptures. I model after what EP Sanders has done with Pauline studies: exposing the tradition for what it is, a tradition, and getting back to the source itself to reveal to audiences the original intent of the author. I know I am meant for this. I just need the outlet. Linguistic studies of the NT Greek material is certainly shaking up the scholarship here at Regent U. Logos Digital Libraries are certainly making that exposure happen on a grandeur scale.

The field of linguistics for NT Biblical Study could not be more fruitful! I am in the reading, Approaches to discourse by Deborah Schiffrin and this is revealing to me so many incredible ways to study the Scriptures, I can hardly contain myself: conversation analysis, variation analysis, pragmatics, there is just so many ways to view the Word of God.

The beautiful part about a linguistic study, per se, of the Greek NT is that these approaches apply to any discourse. So, I gain not only an understanding of the Scriptures, but in the process become a lot more familiar with any other piece of literature as well! Not to mention the social scene that goes with those studies, since it is well known that the language of any discourse is simply the manifestation of the social situation out of which it was created, as both reflecting it and accomplishing changes within it (see Halliday, Language as Social Semiotic). I am finding that the field of linguistics tremendously reveals the authorial intent with the greatest level of accuracy. That was the reason it appealed to me so much. Theology is the common means of studying the Scriptures, but I am finding that linguistics renders them with more corroboration, and language-based criteria for conclusiveness. Hence, the theology out of such study becomes more air-tight.

For this reason, theological "studies" of the Scriptures I have simply lost the stomach for. I cannot stand to use theology as the means by which Scripture derives its meaningfulness. This type of study always confirms ignorant, traditional stances, and never renders the language of Scripture with any level of depth. In turn, these older, so called "historical critical" studies have completely fallen from whatever popularity they gained after the second world war. From my experience of them, they are little more than a concordance-level understanding of the words of Scripture driven by the presuppositions of methodology rather than the actual proper rendering of the language as it would have impacted the audience. This is becoming more apparent as linguistically principled studies continue to multiply in Biblical Academia.

Just had my first leadership meeting in prayer and what a blast. Had so many leaders in the congregation tell me that they are glad I prayed for them and that they heartily received my prayer for them. What an encouragement.

I also shared my vision of ministry: A Preaching Institution. My heart is to train people up in the delivery of God's word. Once we have that in place, and more and more people are confident, competent, and effective with the rhetorical delivery of God's word as it would have been communicated to the first century audience just after the resurrection of Jesus Christ, that is the key to the multiplication of the ministry on a grandeur scale like we have never seen.

To be honest, it really is the only part of the ministry that can be truly instructed for effectiveness. Lots of people attempt to instruct in prayer, but this falls short as God hears the prayers of the faithful for their relationship with him rather than their effectiveness of delivery. Lots of people try to instruct in evangelism, but this comes with relationship as well, since people only listen and hear from those they are close to mostly.

I see the vision with terrible clarity: a group of people eager to preach the word. I provide the tools needed to effectively read the Scriptures as the author intended them to be heard (as opposed to buffet-snatching random topics out of it). Once they grasp the idea of Scripture as a social discourse between speaker and audience (which is the way they were intended to start with) then they understand how words will impact their audiences for the faith of Jesus Christ. That is the inchoation of their ministry skills as effect preachers of the word and developers of the faith. Christ was a rhetorician.

That was the point of the faith, or should I say, the modus operandi: effective delivery of the Scriptures. Jesus did not intend to create more Scriptures, otherwise he would have appointed a secretary to dictate his delivery, as God did in the OT to Israel. But he did not do this. What he did do was train up preachers and disciplers in the Scriptures that already had been written and send them off to go create assemblies in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

The goal has been set, the vision cast, and now . . .
                 
                       Let the Labor Begin.
                        Come Lord Jesus, Come.

Ever since I have been a Christian, I noticed that there have been two predominant issues on my heart to continue deeper along this walk for Jesus Christ--1) a constant concern to request everyday to "be filled with the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, very God of God," and 2) an unquenchable thirst for more knowledge and understanding of the Scriptures, particularly the New Testament.

I am discovering that there are other people just like me whose primary concern is to grow closer to the Lord Jesus Christ, sole, sovereign Creator of heaven and earth, and they also cling to the ministers who have this same obsession. I find myself forever calling upon the wisdom of God to lead me, clearly a cry from the Holy Spirit in my heart, and a sickening distaste for the words of those who cannot seem to focus their testimony on God, but rather themselves. I find that there really is an equal lack of limitation to the level that a person can reach into the depths of their own imagination (evil), which is analogous to the depth of the wisdom of God in the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ, his only Son and image.

For those who seek the depths of their own evil imaginings, there is no work of God they do not have a heart to destroy and malign. There is no person submitted to the work of God whom they do not have an uncanny ability to twist into the image of a bad-guy. To some of these evil-imagining experts, even the name of Christ itself has become enmity to these wretched, slobbering, mangy, orphan dogs. The name of Jesus Christ, the essence of eternal life, causes division, and earthy, demonic, and sensual wisdom tells us that all divisiveness is the enemy. Romans is true, when one accepts the lies, they profess to be wise, and become fools in the darkness of their thinking. In asserting this state of being, there is neither room for repentance, nor hope, nor light of any kind, for the wisdom of God, which is light, has become their declared object of hatred. Such prove themselves as the spawn of satan.

I'm glad being filled with the Holy Spirit of Christ Jesus, God of Gods, keeps my eyes attune to these ignorant lies. The destructive nature of faith in people when this wisdom is practiced becomes obvious to any filled with the Spirit of Jesus Christ, who is God the Son. That is why the Scriptures have become such an imperative for me to research--it all stems from the infilling of the Holy Spirit in my life directing me to the Wisdom of God. What better source than the Scriptures?

I truly am thankful for the Holy Spirit's guidance and protection for those whom are his. And that is just the issue--these people profess their connection to godliness, but are denying its power by disconnecting from the first love--Jesus Christ, the resurrection and life. Those who are not of the fold, no matter how hard they try in their flesh, will never hear or see God because they remain blind to Jesus Christ, the only express image of the entire Godhead dwelt bodily. So to compensate for their distance to God's only Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, they erect a substitution of their own image and are filled with the covetous spirit of satan leading them in a self-destructive direction that ruins not only themselves, but all those they lead simultaneously and thereby heaping up the judgment of the fullness of their sin which God directed like a watercourse from the depths of their own idolatrous hearts. The problem does not stem from their actions, per se, but from their identity--they are not of God, but of satan in spirit, and only God can know it and reveal this with time and circumstance. 

What then is the answer? Their isn't one. To imply that their is suggests that we are in control of the process. To think that we are in control implies that we take destiny in our own hands to meet God in the clouds--this is heresy--their can be no greater lie, no stronger affirmation of the satanic deception which barred our Edenic blessing from the beginning. No, be who you are, stop pretending, and let God sort them out. That's his job--to use the winnowing fork. Those of God cannot help but draw close to him through Jesus Christ the only truth and life, the only Lord of heaven and earth, and those not of God cannot help but draw farther and farther toward the eternal destruction for which they so crave, taking others with them, as their own father does. Each person has only one nature, and that nature determines who you are and to whom you will draw. Choice is merely the slow and ineluctable manifestation of this nature. You are either blessed or condemned to be nothing more than what you are.

Had a vision of Chaplaincy today on my way to Regent. I saw myself standing before the unit wearing a stole, reading a scripture out of proverbs that talks about how the prostitute reduces a man to a crust of bread. Then I then invite them to stand and welcome them to sing along as I introduce the commander as the "faux Phil Collins" where s/he karaokes the song "easy lover."

When they finish their shockingly good time, I then step before them again and pronounce, "God is a real God, he doesn't need Christians to make up a new language for him to be able to use them in his plans, he can use yours just fine. Jesus is the real resurrection from the dead, and if you would like to find out more about accepting him as such, come and see me." Then I grab my rank (presumably CPT) and tearing it off and throwing it to the side, I declare boldly, "Regardless of what I wear, I do not become a chaplain until I am someone's Chaplain, if you would like me to be your chaplain, if I can pray, or help in any way with whatever you are going through in life, I'd be happy to talk about that too."

Afterword, the Commander, and the soldiers recover from their shell-shock, and I have succeeded in breaking barriers to their respect, their lives, and their hearts--I become their Chaplain.

A brief excursus to my Personal Happy Place. . .

The sky is so blue it hurts your eyes just to look at it.
Not a cloud in the sky, the sun is bright enough to light up all the land around the medium length bright green grass that surrounds my old willow tree that I used to play around when I was a kid. I love that tree. It shades me, it challenges me to climb, it stays in one spot and never leaves. Its always there, and doesn't have any care in the world for what my background is, what my accomplishments are, how much debt I have, nothing. Its only interest is in me just showing up and sitting beneath it. His branches seem to wave hello in the wind as the lightly graze me when I walk up to him. He's just a simple, good friend.

I sit and see my puppy min-pin scruffy. His excitement to see me is uncontrollable, he cannot stop wagging his tail a hundred miles an hour, barking up a storm, and acting like I'm just the best thing since sliced bread. No pretension, no conniving hidden agenda, no dull, crusty attitude problem, he's not stuffed full of himself, he's just plain and simple hyperfocused on me. In the moment that he sees me, I'm about the only thing in the whole world that exists in his eyes. Nothing can stop him from tackling me upon arrival, and nothing could possibly ruin or spoil his gladness to see me--nothing--not the disappointment of grades, not the let downs of false expectations, not the abrasiveness of my bossy nature, No--none of it. He doesn't care about any of that, he just barks, wags, and tackles. He's just as ADHD as I am, and we both love every minute together.

No sooner do I hold him in my arms that I look over to my wife, who sees the whole wacky situation and can't help but smile and tell me what a great time she always has with me every time I come over. Her gorgeous, long, silky, curly black hair catches the wind flowing through the willow, and the sun gleaming from the sky, and we sit down together, side-by-side, where I can just lean on her and her on me. In the shade. Together. No deadlines. No debts. No sicknesses. No other priorities besides just being together, and enjoying being together.

That's where we stay. That's what we do. That's how we feel.
No liars. No cheats. No jobs. No competitions. No hate. No fights. No grumpy neighbors. No people judging you who don't understand you anyway. No miscommunication.
Just Me, My willow, My puppy, My Wife, and Our Time Together, Our wonderful Time.

I love education. I love to learn.
I never used to love it as much as when I got Logos Bible Software though. That was the day reading went from being simply whenever I happened to pick up a book, or whenever I happened to hear of a good read, to all the time, everyday, and developing a true desire for it and the kind of subjects that I began to learn about.
God has a really funny way of working what he wants into you despite what your plans are. I never planned being the person I have turned out to be (other than just general prayers for wisdom, and learning to deal with people, which will always be on the go). I never really mapped out the places I wanted to go to, the stuffy I wanted to do. None of it. Outside of just staying in the church.

Yea, I always thought I'd stay in shape, after all, many people do. Now, though, I find myself hardly even caring for it. I'm just concerned about reading, spending quality time with my wife, praying, and listening to music. I've really become contented in these things for some reason. Weird.

I cannot recall all the countless times I have prayed for my school debt (about $50k) to be gone. God, that has been a terribly heavy burden that life has really steered me away from killing. It just seems every time I get the opportunity to find a job, earn money, or pay it off, that my path takes an unexpected direction to keep it there. Doors keep shutting, paths keep steering me away from it. I dunno.

I confess, if I landed any type of full-time or part-time paying job that I could enjoy (like a book store, the home depot, a preaching position, a teaching position, or anything else) I would take it. Flat out. I would. I find myself handing over those $1 bills for lottery tickets with the sincere hope that one of them will finally make it. Crazy I know, you don't have to tell me. But I'm just at my wit's end with the situation sometimes, ya know?

I have always felt the desire for those people who have experienced any success in the network marketing companies out there. I know financially that is the way to go. And I absolutely LOVE the idea of being an employer who can watch people learn, grow, and become financially successful all at the same time. Man. I seriously just love that whole concept. I just have never been able to sell. I take too much of a teaching approach, inundating people with information, then they give me some ignorant, uniformed, emotional response to any one piece in the data and I just don't have the stomach for that crap. People really don't want to do what makes sense. They just want to stroke their phallus. That crap really angers me, because they are not the only ones who suffer as a result. When someone chooses to post-pone life insurance (especially if they have the money), they are assuming they will live another day to find a better deal. That's garbage. Countless people have assumed the same, gotten killed on the way home, and left their family in dire straights as a result. Why? Nothing more than they just could not stomach someone else pointing out the right thing to do--they had to be the one to think it up. Man, that really boils my blood. I could break windows all day on that one thought alone.

I really wish I was just half the level of skill with people that any one of these network marketers are. My debt would be gone completely. I would have a career. I would not have the unnecessary difficulties that I have dragged myself through over these years. There is a part of me that really hates, just genuinely hates that I do not have the appeal that others do. I pray that I can appeal to people in a way the does not have to run into their egos all the time. I'm just sick of dealing with that @#$%ing worthless waste of time, words, interaction, struggle, and life. I'm just sick of it. What a truly stupid and fruitless way to go through this life.

I'd rather be sitting under an orchard tree all day eating the fallen apples, sitting in the tall, cool, green grass, with my pet min-pin scruffy, playing star-wars monopoly on a picnic blanket with my beautiful wife in the shade of a 76 degree, cool fall day in September.