I love education. I love to learn.
I never used to love it as much as when I got Logos Bible Software though. That was the day reading went from being simply whenever I happened to pick up a book, or whenever I happened to hear of a good read, to all the time, everyday, and developing a true desire for it and the kind of subjects that I began to learn about.
God has a really funny way of working what he wants into you despite what your plans are. I never planned being the person I have turned out to be (other than just general prayers for wisdom, and learning to deal with people, which will always be on the go). I never really mapped out the places I wanted to go to, the stuffy I wanted to do. None of it. Outside of just staying in the church.

Yea, I always thought I'd stay in shape, after all, many people do. Now, though, I find myself hardly even caring for it. I'm just concerned about reading, spending quality time with my wife, praying, and listening to music. I've really become contented in these things for some reason. Weird.

I cannot recall all the countless times I have prayed for my school debt (about $50k) to be gone. God, that has been a terribly heavy burden that life has really steered me away from killing. It just seems every time I get the opportunity to find a job, earn money, or pay it off, that my path takes an unexpected direction to keep it there. Doors keep shutting, paths keep steering me away from it. I dunno.

I confess, if I landed any type of full-time or part-time paying job that I could enjoy (like a book store, the home depot, a preaching position, a teaching position, or anything else) I would take it. Flat out. I would. I find myself handing over those $1 bills for lottery tickets with the sincere hope that one of them will finally make it. Crazy I know, you don't have to tell me. But I'm just at my wit's end with the situation sometimes, ya know?

I have always felt the desire for those people who have experienced any success in the network marketing companies out there. I know financially that is the way to go. And I absolutely LOVE the idea of being an employer who can watch people learn, grow, and become financially successful all at the same time. Man. I seriously just love that whole concept. I just have never been able to sell. I take too much of a teaching approach, inundating people with information, then they give me some ignorant, uniformed, emotional response to any one piece in the data and I just don't have the stomach for that crap. People really don't want to do what makes sense. They just want to stroke their phallus. That crap really angers me, because they are not the only ones who suffer as a result. When someone chooses to post-pone life insurance (especially if they have the money), they are assuming they will live another day to find a better deal. That's garbage. Countless people have assumed the same, gotten killed on the way home, and left their family in dire straights as a result. Why? Nothing more than they just could not stomach someone else pointing out the right thing to do--they had to be the one to think it up. Man, that really boils my blood. I could break windows all day on that one thought alone.

I really wish I was just half the level of skill with people that any one of these network marketers are. My debt would be gone completely. I would have a career. I would not have the unnecessary difficulties that I have dragged myself through over these years. There is a part of me that really hates, just genuinely hates that I do not have the appeal that others do. I pray that I can appeal to people in a way the does not have to run into their egos all the time. I'm just sick of dealing with that @#$%ing worthless waste of time, words, interaction, struggle, and life. I'm just sick of it. What a truly stupid and fruitless way to go through this life.

I'd rather be sitting under an orchard tree all day eating the fallen apples, sitting in the tall, cool, green grass, with my pet min-pin scruffy, playing star-wars monopoly on a picnic blanket with my beautiful wife in the shade of a 76 degree, cool fall day in September.